Stories this week include:
- Ricky Gervais refuses to speak out against (or in favour of) the Croydon Cat Killer.
- Family day out ruined by sh*tty trampoline.
- Jammie dodgers make off with £10,000 worth of biscuits.
- Couple has passports confiscated for their own safety.
Also revealed: We launch an ill-conceived and idiotic competition...