Episode 4: Why do avoidant people withdraw in relationships?

So where does the tendency to withdraw come from?

It is different for everyone but it usually goes back to childhood and the relationship with primary caregivers- mum, dad or whoever raised us.

Someone with a tendency to withdraw will usually have come from a family in which their needs were dismissed or ignored, and they were encouraged or forced to look after themselves both physically and emotionally.

For example, a young boy who grew up in a family with an overbearing father who taught him that feelings are for weak people, and to be strong you need to hide your emotions rather than express them. If that boy also had a mother who had the same values, or he wasn't close to his mother, there's a fairly high chance that he will develop an avoidant attachment style as a means of protecting himself from those very emotion that he was taught makes him weak.

If you were taught that expressing emotions makes you weak, or you simply weren't encouraged to express your emotions, chances are high that anyone expressing strong emotion would likely make you feel very uncomfortable, or overwhelmed.


As usual, this episode is based on assumed prior knowledge of attachment theory, so if you're unfamiliar with it, here are some resources:

Attached: How to Find (And Keep Love)