21. The #1 Predictor of Breakups: What Contempt Is & How to Overcome It |REE

Contempt is one of the most toxic communication patterns in a relationship, but what exactly is it, and how does it show up? In this episode, we break down the Gottman Institute’s Four Horsemen framework, focusing on contempt—what it looks like, why it’s so destructive, and how to overcome it. We also share listener write-ins, real-life examples, and research-backed strategies to shift from resentment to connection.

Key Topics:

✔️ The Four Horsemen of Relationship Conflict (Gottman Institute)
✔️ How contempt develops in relationships
✔️ Small behaviors that lead to long-term resentment
✔️ The impact of sarcasm, mockery, and eye-rolling
✔️ Listener stories: Real experiences of overcoming contempt
✔️ Research-backed solutions to rebuild admiration and respect

Timestamps:

⏳ 0:00 – The Gottman Institute’s Four Horsemen Framework
⏳ 1:12 – Why contempt is the most dangerous form of relationship conflict
⏳ 5:45 – Personal reflections: How small habits shape long-term dynamics
⏳ 12:27 – How contempt develops: Slow resentment vs. sudden conflict
⏳ 16:20 – Listener write-in: Overcoming stonewalling and defensiveness
⏳ 21:04 – The hidden causes of contempt (and what to do about them)
⏳ 25:17 – Guilt, self-loathing, and their role in relationship struggles
⏳ 33:35 – Why eye-rolling can be more damaging than you think
⏳ 44:35 – How to shift the culture of your relationship away from bitterness
⏳ 55:30 – Practical strategies to replace contempt with appreciation

Key Takeaways:

💡 Contempt is a predictor of relationship failure, but it CAN be reversed.
💡 Small actions like sarcasm and eye-rolling can erode trust over time.
💡 Rebuilding admiration and appreciation is key to overcoming resentment.
💡 Addressing contempt early prevents it from becoming deeply ingrained.
💡 The way we communicate matters as much as what we say.

Resources Mentioned:

📌 The Four Horsemen & Antidotes (Gottman Institute)
📌 Episode 4: The Four Horsemen in Relationships
📌 Episode 15: Is It Stonewalling?
📌 Patreon Bonus Episode: Listener stories of overcoming contempt (#)

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📄 Download our free guide: [⁠The Balanced Partnership Guide⁠]

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