#23 A Gentleman's Rhyming Duel

Dear Sir, you've been nothing but obnoxious all evening

And normally, naturally, I'd just be enquiring as to the time of your leaving

But this time I feel special discipline must be enforced

Why are you raising your fists? Ah, you're not cultured, of course.

Forgive my ignorance of one so uncouth

I'll be generous and put it down to the frivolities of youth

No, dear Sir, when we battle, we battles with rules

So let me explain what's happens in Gentleman's Rhyming Duels.

I know you're a scallywag and a young up-starter

But you must still learn of it, it's our poetic Magna Carta

So lest you invest to test yourself against the best but before you end in destitution

Let me unveil the lines of our constitution

Rule 1: There is to be no physical blows or contact

Only with words may your opponent be attacked

Rule 2: You may not insult an opponent's romantic relation

That line used to say wife, but in the future we don't use that connotation

Related rule 3: It's never an insult to call your opponent gay

You're a gentleman, boy, we're learnéd that way

Rule 4: You must speak in clearly pronounced rhymes

No slanting or mumbling for that is cheating and a crime

Rule 5: Be intelligent in the way that you insult

No baseless jabs or insinuating an untrue fault

Rule 6: When you're disposing of your opponents smart arse

Be dressed well and proper, show him your class

Rule 7: Only battle if the occasion genuinely requires

But if it does you step up and turn that sir back down to a squire

Rule 8: No rhymes aimed below the waistband

Rhyme face to face don't go for the cummerbund

Rule 9: Don't think wistfully of rhymes you could have done

If the duel is over you accept the result and move gracefully on

Rule 10: Be a gentleman in defeat but also be a gentleman as the victor

I've so some men celebrate so great you could measure it with Richter.

See most fellows can't actually follow how we do

We battle at too high a level, do me and you

They've phased in and out, they've tried a little to follow

But seeing gentleman battle, well it's a tough act to swallow

If at the end of it all, you shake my hand

You emerge a tattered but better man

But now you've learnt the game, do you still wish to play?

I assure you I've been duelling since back in the day

And while I play with grace, I play to destroy

So next time think twice before you cross me, boy.

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