A bih talks about defining a sense of self

(Hey friends! I spoke about my lack of sense of self in my prior episode on self disrespect. Received a lot of good feedback from the episode, so I appreciate it. If you missed it, check it out here.)

This episode, we’re going to dig into sense of self. What it is, how it can impact your life if you don’t have one and ways to go about defining/cultivating it for you!

What a sense of self implies:

• You know who you are
• You are confident in who you are (the good and bad)
• Self esteem is relatively high or solid (not the same as having a big ego – which is usually more about feeling inferior/insecure, when you really dig into it)
• Being grounded within your self even when life gets real 

When it came to myself:

• I was forced into being an adult before I should have been one
• I felt like I had to take care of my immediate family, close friends, past relationships BUT also, I thought that was my job to do that. 
• I read about values/core beliefs and got the idea but never would think to apply them to myself
• I mirrored what I thought others wanted, even if I didn’t feel comfortable
• I never looked at what I wanted. I reacted to others and discarded my own or buried them down (food/drinking/sex)

Why drinking and my other addictions masked it:

• Numbing, I drank until I couldn’t think or feel. I made poor decisions in order to keep the self hate loop going in my head. I would “blame it on the alcohol” but it was really all me. 

How to cultivate a sense of self:

• Encourage yourself. Getting props from others is great but if you don’t pump you up – what others say will only resonate so far.
• Hobbies and Interests. Why are you into what you’re into? What do you get out of it? If you don’t have any hobbies – why not? What keeps you from finding something your passionate about? Is there some guilt/shame there?
• See shit through. When things get tough, it’s easy to throw in the towel. When you’re feeling out of your comfort zone, don’t know how something is going to play out – it’s easy to chuck it and go back to what is familiar. That’s how you stay stuck or small. Growth is part of discomfort. 
• Think about what matters to you. If something rubs you the wrong way or irritates you, explore why instead of brushing it off or pushing it down. May be a key to a value or core belief that is important to you. Having core beliefs will help you understand what matters to you as a person and can also help you examine how it is showing up in your life. Why isn’t it showing up? Do you allow it? Do you feel like you shouldn’t? Think about those things and really sit with it.
• Boundaries. Yes, I know – I’m a broken record. Knowing when to say no, knowing when to speak up for yourself, knowing how to do it. That will help your sense of self grow
• Take time for you. Sometimes you need that alone time. Sometimes you need to take a step back, regroup and then step forward. Nothing wrong with that. Most people should understand that and if they don’t…well, I’d examine that relationship and see if it’s healthy for everyone involved.

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