A Lesson in the Ever-Changing Self

As I drafted the book The New Middle Way over the last eight months or so, my self-image changed. While my roles as husband, father, friend, student of Buddhism, and myriad other things remained, my identity as a writer, blogger, and editor began to change.

I was now working on the first full-length book to be published under my own name. As I researched, wrote, and edited my work, my confidence grew. Even though I relied heavily on my A.I. research assistant, Perplexity Pro, I began to own a feeling of expertise about my subject matter. As the draft neared completion and I decided to publish independently, I became aware of a new identity—author. And publisher, too, since I was going the independent route.

As I look back now, the writing and editing seemed to flow, although it didn’t always feel that way. When the manuscript was largely completed, and I began filling in the bits and pieces that go into a published book, I got stuck on the “About the Author” feature. It’s conventionally written in the third person in something close to ad-copy language, and I’m not good at that.

I eventually asked Perplexity Pro’s Deep Research feature to examine what it could find online about me and write a bio I could adapt or at least consider. The result gave me a lesson in self and non-self. Here’s how it began:

Mel Harkrader Pine: A Spiritual Writer's Journey

Mel Harkrader Pine is a seasoned writer, Buddhist practitioner, and spiritual communicator with nearly six decades of experience in clear nonfiction writing. Through his blogs and teachings, he has cultivated a substantial following across the United States and internationally, offering accessible wisdom drawn from his extensive spiritual journey and Buddhist practice.

It was a shock, and it flowed on like that for almost 1,000 words. Granted, all Perplexity knew about me was what it could learn on the internet, and most of that was written by…me. If I were more widely known, there’d be criticisms and negative reviews, but this was how I seemed to Perplexity.

Mission accomplished, as far as the “About the Author” chapter was concerned. I could use what Perplexity came up with as a start on the ad-copy language I needed. But the shock came from seeing me described that way.

From my perspective, I’m a guy who gets up in the morning with an aching lower back, stretches to relieve the pain, recites a gatha (Buddhist verse) in his mind, listens to a playlist of mantras, checks his email, does a bit of writing, and then makes coffee. The rest of my day is spent learning, writing, recording, meditating (sometimes on Zoom with others), eating alone or with family members, streaming a video with family members, and perhaps attending an online teaching or retreat.

While Perplexity didn’t get anything wrong in that first paragraph, what it described is not the “self” I feel like from the inside, and it’s probably not the person my loved ones describe to their new acquaintances.

So, who the hell am I?

That’s one of the many ways to understand non-self. The way we perceive ourselves and the ways that others perceive us are countless and subject to change at any moment. Reading myself described by a computer algorithm brought that home to me.

Here are the more traditional ways to understand non-self:

* The self is not a fixed entity but a constantly changing process.

* There is no inherent, independent essence that can be identified as the self.

* What we consider "self" is actually composed of five aggregates (skandhas): form, feeling, perception, mental formations, and consciousness.

* The sense of self arises as a result of causes and conditions. It doesn’t exist apart from those.

Maybe we can add a more modern understanding:

* We are not the people our computers think we are.

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