33: Defending Myself with My Partner

Continuing with Season 5–titled “We Got Issues,” today we’re talking about one of Dr. Gottman’s Four Horsemen–defensiveness. It is one  behavior that can predict the downfall of a relationship if left unaddressed.

If you’ve ever found yourself asking, “Why do I always have to explain or justify myself?” or feeling like your character is being questioned, then this episode is for you! While defensiveness can be normal, it’s also very damaging, which is why today I’m exploring how we can learn to manage it.

Defensiveness doesn’t protect your relationship, it protects your ego, and rather than making things right, it turns every conflict into a battle, so the sooner you learn to break free from this harmful cycle (and trust me, speaking from experience, you CAN do it), the better. 

Tune in today to hear how you can turn conflict into an opportunity for connection!

HOW I CAN HELP YOU: Interested in mentorship or coaching? Choose your option here.

HOW YOU CAN HELP ME:  Contribute to my dissertation by sharing your romantic experiences.

Submissions:

Submit your Secret Story or email me a [email protected] 

Book your Awareness + Secret Story Session 

Submit your Safe Story 

Literature & Links Mentioned: 

2025 Moon, Mood, & Menses Calendar {regular}

2025 Moon, Mood, & Menses Calendar {Biblical}

Join Me On Clubhouse

Connect with Me:

• Website: ⁠https://matchmarrymate.com/⁠ 

  
  



• Instagram: ⁠@matchmarrymate⁠

  
  



• Pateron: ⁠Become a Patron⁠

  
  



• Work With Me: ⁠Book a Call⁠

  
  



• Be Featured: ⁠Share a Secret Story

  
  

Time Stamps:

[02:42] An overview of the topic of this episode: defensiveness

[06:01] Why defensiveness arises in relationships 

[07:02] How defensiveness can cause damage to your relationship with your partner

[08:27] The benefits of joining November’s Monthly Conversation

[09:30] The hard truth about defensiveness

[09:52] Why defensiveness is one of Dr. Gottman’s “Four Horsemen” 

[10:36] The importance of figuring out the origin of your defensiveness

[16:07] Common causes of defensiveness

[19:09] How your approach to conflict impacts your relationship, according to Dr. Gottman’s research

[21:12] Why an apology isn’t always enough to restore peace in a relationship

[22:49] Examples of how I address defensiveness in my coaching sessions

[27:15] Four steps to help you break free from the defensiveness cycle

[35:08] Today’s thought/heart-provoking questions for your journal 

[35:45] How to get in touch with me

[36:10] A final parting adage