[I Love LA.]

Excerpt From:

“DJ AND CC TAKE HOLLYWOOD”

Wait, CC—you're a sex addict?!

I'm an everything addict! You know this!

I didn't know!

—Except pills; I hate pills.

What? I've seen you take pills before.

Case in point!

Why didn't you just tell me?

It doesn't exactly come up organically in conversation, Dillon.

What?! We talk about sex all the time.

Like, in general—but not fórreal! What the fuck!

What the fuck?! Whats the difference?!

If you have to ask, I feel like you're really not gonna like the answer, dog.

—
“WorstConversationEver”
(Bong rips)
Remember your dad's friend Tom?

Oh my God. You fucked Tom?!

NO!

okay, cause—

I sucked his dick while I pretended to mow the lawn!

What the hell?!

—and he still paid me.

Whatthefuck.

Yeah, fucked up.

So who mowed the lawn?!

He mowed his own lawn!

This is the worst conversation ever.

The crazy thing about this story is—
There's a lot of crazy things about this story, actually.

EXT. BASKETBALL COURT. DAY.

Alright— shirts and skins —Shirt—Skin Shirt,Skin—

Uhh! Nah. I wanna be “shirts”

Why dude?! Your girl's mad hot!

So?!

So I know you got it goin on! Look at you!

I'm mad rich!

Yeah—but girls always cheat on flabby rich dudes! With hotter dudes.

My girlfriend might be cheating on me!

Yeah—She's not, though.

How do you know?

Cause I tried!



Yeah. Take your shirt off.

No—uh! How do you know she's just not into you!

Because! He tried—



HE tried!


You sell out.

And Andre tried—

[ANDRE is tall (about 6'9 dark, and handsome]

—you too, bro?

[ANDRE shrugs nonchalantly]

That's an NBA player—

What the FUCK, YO.

—and she said NO.

ANDRE
Yup. Shot me down.

Oh really—from all the way up there?!

Face it, man! You're fuckin hot!

I don't like the way that sounds coming from you—

Take your shirt off!

Were you this aggressive with my girl?!

Don't be like that…

Nah— fuck you!

Yo! C'mon, man—

And you three!

You're holding up the game getting mad over nothing. It's Hollywood!

It's Beverly Hills!

—Exactly my point!



You're new here—you'll catch on.

You know what!

I'm shirts—you're skins—Game on.

[SUNNI BLU goes beast mode and plays the dirtiest, most whoopass game in history—out of spite and anger of the toxic masculinity; this of course earns SUNNI BLU even more respect as a “man's man”]

Later: as the owner of the clippers, sunni BLU trades “Andre” to the worst basketball team in history.

SUPACREE buys DIPLO a glass house to replace the one he burned down in a crime of passion.]

There, now, you'll stop throwing stones—

Huh!

AND. Everyone can see when you ugly cry.

*humphs*

Now, stop it!

Is it supacree?

Uh?

Could be Sunni Blu.

Sunni Blu is a dude—

Sunni Blu is pretending to be a dude.

Oh yeah, huh.

Dang.

Huh.

Well, then.

We've gotta consult The Big Book of Dillon Francis.

Don't say that like it's some kind of guide book.

It is a guidebook.

To what??

To Dillon Francis!

That's preposterous.

Didn't you choose Sonny?

Didn't I waste my time writing the great big book of Dillon Francis!?

Touché.

Might as well do something with it.

I got it.

THIS IS ENVIRONMENTALLY IRRESPONSIBLE.

BURN IT ALL.

You're gonna hurt someone's feelings.

Yeah, my own.

STOP TOUCHING THAT.

Wait, where is—

Fuck.

What?

Now I'm “that girl who fell in love with Skrillex”

Lol, which one.

Hum. The one who wrote a novel about it.

Pick your poison.

Rum.

Not a rum and coke?

No, just straight up—you know what? How much is the bottle?

Uhhh. Just.

[SUPACREE pours the remains of the bottle into a red solo cup.]

Ugh. Come on.

What! At least you're not “The Black Yoko Ono”

How did you even find out about that one.

Infinite what the fucks.

Now the world's getting mad again,
I wrote something damaging;
Doors just start slamming at random,
And coughing—
Sounds of motorists passing,
Just scrambling my brain,
I'm insane, but at least I have plainly created
What may be historical, one day—
I've made a whole masterpiece, a symphony that easily outlives me, infinity—
My body's just a body
Rush a cop just got get off this awful planet;
I don't want what comes with poverty and fat,
I don't compete with Instagram models,
And everyone does that—
I'm not a catfish, facts are facts
I use my camera just to document the interesting phenomena I happen to walk past;
Saw Dillon Francis on a wall, and had to grant the wish he asked—
But don't know what it is exactly,
I'm just happening, actually—
I probably need nap but now Insomniac's been tracking me;
I happily allow it; I program myself with beats,
So when I finally sleep, I dream in music sequences, or something—
I don't know
I might delete it upon listening to rampant white supremacy or privelege on repeat,
But that's just me,
Forgetting I'm the one in trouble,
On the run, without a family
So perception is reality, and mine is badly damaged—
Damn Pasquale again, I had to re-decipher all the messages transmitted from imaginary friends,
Collecting images in infrared
*gasp*

Okay, just—breathe…

I can't! I have to wear a mask!
It's mandatory—so is being black,
I have to! But I'm not a rapper!
Maybe I should talk to Chance,
Or Marshall Mathers:
They might have to answer
To the questions that I can't afford to ask
This automatic writing might just be the most
Goddamned advanced evidence of intelligent inhabitants in other dimensions, or other planets
Or all of the above,
Or maybe just of Dillon Francis using magic,
Which he got from—

Oh, no, here it comes

SK—

Fuck this. Fuck this mother—FAWN.

Are we out of F*cks, then?

I floppin' guess!

I thought you loved him.

It is what it is.

What is it?

INFI—

THE END.

INFINITI!

...yes, mom?

GET IN HERE,

Huh?

Don't say “huh”.

Okay, what?

Don't say “what”

…

…

…

...welll, what do you want?

What is this?

*shrugs*

INFINITY

[ooh, with a ‘Y'


that's how you know mom's angry this time]

*COUGHS*

Betcha his photographer's in love with him.

Which one has the VooDoo Doll?

There's a Skrillex VooDoo Doll?

It's technically ‘Sonny'

Aww.

You'd be surprised at the shit these girls will—

INFINITY.

WHAT.

What is THIS?!

It's just—Skrillex.

AFH.

Now you're FUCKED.

I thought we were out of FUCKS.

That was FAUX.

Awww: I see what you did there.

Am I done now?

What does Dillon Francis want?!

—don't answer that.

[whispering in ear.]

That's not possible

So. I shifted a consciousness into this rock.

Why would—why?

For good luck.

Oh, this is a problem,

But it turns out.

HUH.

Damn. I'm on one,

I have blue balls,

This is not fun. This is not fun. This is not fun.

Okay; now you're done.

So, that's it--? You really want to ride this Sinking Ship?

If that's what this is, then I guess that says it.

Says…?

Says “I just bought a ticket to Titanic at Bass Canyon.”

Is that where you bought it?

Is it?

Why would you give yourself in, for him?

(For Anyone?)
In.

(Psh)

I gave myself out.

Out? Look at you.

Look at me.

I'd rather not.

You know what it is
You know what it is—
You know what it is
That's the business

Comin in hot, like a chicken wing
This ain't Toy Story—got no friend in me,
You feelin me?
Cold as Minnesota, I'm the ice queen
Nice bling—
Hollywood should buy this bitch a wedding ring
Amohetemime
Trick, you're a half,
I'm the whole thing
Whole Foods market, gotta own me
No mink coat, I'm a vegan,
Hocus Pocus, I'm three witches

Okay, from the top

Hello?
This is Hollywood calling;
We want the festival project
We just wrote up the contract
Come get your deposit:
You're nominated for an Oscar
Your Star On The Walk looks Awesome
it's On Us

Yeah? That's what's up
I'll come up
I'll come up
I'll come up

Say what's up
That's my shite;
I'm rep in the festival project
Ya'll like “what's that?”
I'll tel you all about it,—that's
Coming up next

Oh yeah,
Oh yeah

Tune in
I'm On

Welcome to your Hollywood life
The good life
Good life
Welcome to the Hollywood life
That's right
That's right

Welcome to your Hollywood life
The good life
Good life
Welcome to the Hollywood life
That's right
That's right

They call me young Hollywood,
They robbed me good in Santa Monica
And I so I got no address yet;
But I'm coming up like one direction
I just checked my reflection like:
Mirror mirror on the wall
I gotta go
Hollywood's callin
And I don't do this often
Only when o bless the red carpet

Comin in hot, like a chicken wing
Call me Toy Story—
got a friend in me,
You feelin me?
On the big screen livin out my dreams,
I wrote my scenes, the Hollywood life: I neee
I ride by
On a tomeline
I write, I like
My nice things.

The life I lead,
Is ritghteous,
I defy my means
Applied IT,
I might be AI,
Fine my me;
Cause all I see
Is light I like,
And I'm liking my

Hollywood life, I think.

Nice bling—
Hollywood should buy this bitch a wedding ring
Amohetemime
Trick, you're a half,
I'm the whole thing
Whole Foods market, gotta own me
No mink coat, I'm a vegan,
Hocus Pocus, I'm three witches

It's just some Hollywood shit
Isn't it fabulous
This is some Hollywood shiy
Isn't it fabulous

Comin in hot, like a chicken wing
This ain't Toy Story—got no friend in me,
You feelin me?
Cold as Minnesota, I'm the ice queen
Nice bling—
Hollywood should buy this bitch a wedding ring
Amohetemime
Trick, you're a half,
I'm the whole thing
Whole Foods market, gotta own me
No mink coat, I'm a vegan,
Hocus Pocus, I'm three witches

You know what it is
You know what it is—
You know what it is
That's the business

One door close. Then another door opens
So sick flow, go home with a cold then
Woah, Hoe—cold like some snow boots
Pants so big, I can parachute

PARACHUTE!

Hoes look fake, like a blow up doll
Harlem shake, i'm bout to blow up ya'll

SAM ASH. HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA. DAY.

Do you have any Jog Wheels?

Beg your pardon?

Uh, Jog Wheels.

“Jog Wheels”

Yeah, you know, like (imitates DJ scratching)

Oh, you mean these? (Entire room of DJ controllers)

Yeah, but just–this (points to Jog Wheel)

Oh, “Jog Wheels…”

Yes. Jog Wheels.

…Just “Jog Wheels?”

…yes.

No.

[Leaving store with frustrated infuriation]

AGH.

BEFORE:

Oh my God! We've been robbed!

WHAT!

OH MY GOD!

WHAT!
WHAT'D THEY TAKE?!

–
Have you tried Guitar Center?

THEY TOOK MY JOG WHEELS.

Bitch you mad?

Mad at what?

I'm still making money;
I don't give a fuck

Get my bag;
Count it up
I'm a dog—
And you know I like it rough
(Ruff ruff ruff)

Where you from?
Where you hood at?
Keep it clsssy
But I'm acting like a hood rat

I'm a playa
I got boss racks
Call me north
Cause I'm pointed where the moss at
(Money)

I am from Los Angeles
I got all these fans and stuff
I smoke on dat tangle
I be at PINK buying bras n stuff
I still shop at hollister
The Bronx ain't got no Rosses
Or hot topics
But I bought this floss
To drop it like a thot n stuff

Bitch you mad?

Mad at what?

I'm still making money;
I don't give a fuck

Get my bag;
Count it up
I'm a dog—
And you know I like it rough
(Ruff ruff ruff)

I show up
Play some ratchet music

I show up
Play some ratchet music.

In the booth I'm eating waffles.
Had to force quit my serato

Key: F

It's such a wonderful feeling–
leaving, release,
sweet relief,
Slowly bleeding out
Dreaming, in peace
With no reason
to grieve–finallly–
Freedom

Mm-hmm
mm-hmm
Mmm-hmmm

__

I'm so LA for no reason.

{Enter The Multiverse}

[The Festival Project.™]

COPYRIGHT © THE FESTIVAL PROJECT 2023
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. ©

-U.