Backchat and Eye Rolls? What Your Kids’ Sass Is Really Telling You

Every parent hits that moment — the eye roll, the “you’re so unfair,” the slammed door. It’s the backchat that drives us up the wall. But what if we told you that this so-called “sass” is actually a sign of something good? In today’s episode, Justin and Kylie unpack why backchat is one of the most misunderstood parts of child development — and how you can respond in a way that strengthens your relationship, rather than wrecking it. We share 3 practical mindset shifts and 4 go-to scripts you can use today to turn attitude into connection and cooperation. Yes, even when the sass is strong.

KEY POINTS:

• Backchat is often a clumsy expression of unmet needs — not a sign of defiance
• Reframing disrespect as a lack of skills (not a lack of values) changes everything
• Power struggles escalate when we seek control instead of connection
• Meeting autonomy, relatedness, and competence needs helps reduce pushback
• Get curious, not furious — especially when emotions are high
• Four practical scripts help parents respond with connection, not control

QUOTE OF THE EPISODE:

“Disrespect often isn’t deliberate — it’s just clumsy communication from a kid who doesn’t yet have the skills to do it better.”

RESOURCES MENTIONED:

• The 3 Basic Psychological Needs: Autonomy, Relatedness, Competence
• The “Get Curious, Not Furious” principle
• happyfamilies.com.au for more resources and support

ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS:

1. Reframe backchat as a sign of emotional overwhelm or unmet needs
2. Use validating language like “Sometimes it feels like I’m your enemy, doesn’t it?”
3. Offer autonomy with choices (“I don’t mind when you do it — just have it done by dinner”)
4. Give in fantasy what they can’t have in reality to lighten the moment
5. Use the 3 E’s Script: “Sounds like you’re really frustrated... will you help me see what’s bothering you?”
6. Set boundaries with respect: “I’m going to give you a chance to rethink that and try again in harmony with our values.”

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