Episode 10 - The Signs Your Body Is Telling You It’s Time To Take Care Of Yourself

A vital part of staying on top of recovering from trauma is knowing what the signs are that it's time to take care of you.

Self care is something we sometimes think can be put off. As soon as you recognize your triggers and you feel you're about to spiral, taking care of yourself is your top priority, 

We were neglected and abandoned as children so it's natural to think we don't matter. However, it's imperative we get to know ourselves and listen to the signs of your inner child crying for help. 

COMPLEX PTSD From Surviving To Thriving by Pete Walker

https://amzn.to/3RCx7rN

The Body Keeps The Score by Bessel van der Kolk:

https://amzn.to/3TLagfv

Overcoming Toxic Parenting by Rick Johnson:

https://amzn.to/3wXlBPO

Teri Anderson

trauma care 

childhood trauma 

recognizing signs 

heal yourself

childhood trauma

adverse childhood experiences

reparenting 

mental health 

awareness risk factors 

ptsd 

abandonment issues

mental health awareness

Digging Through Dominoes

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hello everyone and welcome back to

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digging through dominoes where we

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examine the dominoes in our past

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so we can change the game of our future

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welcome to digging through dominoes a

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podcast that looks at mental physical

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and emotional trauma through real and

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inspiring conversations

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this is your safe haven that welcomes

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you in but also isn't afraid to talk

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about what hurts the most

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and now here's your host teri anderson

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today's episode's gonna be shorter than

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the others because

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i'm not doing so great

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i've got some things

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shingles internal shingles what the heck

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who ever thought about something like

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that

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not feeling so good plus

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therapy last week i have therapy every

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friday

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every friday for years

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and i love my therapist

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i think a lot of people shy away from

1:11

therapy because they cannot find a

1:14

therapist that they can connect to and

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that happened to me it took me years to

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find the right therapist

1:21

and the right psychiatrist and i

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you know i've got a team you know the

1:28

three of us we really work at this hard

1:30

we work at keeping me healthy

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and

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above above the surface of the water

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when there are a lot of times that i

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wanted to be nothing but below the

1:40

surface of the water

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well this week in therapy we talked

1:44

about some things that brought some

1:45

things up emotionally for me

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that really

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are affecting me

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and you know i want to be really blatant

1:54

really transparent really clear with

1:56

everyone

1:58

i am still very affected by the things

2:01

that happened to me when i was a kid and

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i'm going to tell you about some of that

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but it

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with the forewarning that this is going

2:08

to be a shorter episode this week

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for that very reason i'm trying to still

2:14

work through these things and on the

2:16

surface they may not seem that

2:25

crucial

2:26

but to me what it did it brought back

2:30

those feelings i had in full

2:34

force

2:36

we were talking about the death

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of the one person in my life

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i knew loved me

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beyond

2:46

measure

2:49

that was my grandmother

2:51

i mean i want you to picture this okay

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here i am this this little kid i was

2:57

probably

2:58

four or five years old

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my grandmother

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had a farm

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that she rented out

3:06

she was very cosmopolitan very chic and

3:09

you know way cool

3:12

she was born on the farm she hated it

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she was always embarrassed that she was

3:17

had been born on a farm and she didn't

3:18

have shoes and she didn't have a horse

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to ride to school that she had to ride

3:23

to school on a mule

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so she really pushed and pushed and she

3:28

got herself out of that town but she

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kept that farm

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and we were at the farm one time i don't

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know doing farm business or whatever she

3:38

took me with her

3:40

a lot

3:41

and there was i don't remember what it

3:43

was called it was sort of like a

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reservoir

3:46

it was like

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you know the beverly hillbillies they

3:49

call the swimming pool the concrete pond

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well this to the best of my recollection

3:54

it was a

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a concrete

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pond but it was above ground i don't

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know i don't know how big it was it had

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some fish in it and there was one

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particular fish i wanted

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and i'm watching this woman dress to the

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nines

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take her shoes off roll her pants up

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climb into that reservoir whatever it

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was to catch the only fish i wanted i

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didn't want any other fish i wanted that

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one blue fish

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and i'm watching her with a jar

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walk around

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trying to catch that damn fish

4:34

if that doesn't say i love you

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and i

4:40

want you to know i love you

4:43

i don't know what does

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but she did it

4:48

my parents never would have done that

4:50

never never never

4:54

but we were talking about her and the

4:56

things that she had done that really

4:58

made me feel wanted accepted

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and

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cherished

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and then what her death did to me

5:13

being the age i was i was almost 16

5:16

years old i had had

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i was blessed i had a much longer time

5:20

with my grandmother than my my cousins

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did

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and i was also the first grandchild

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for i was a girl

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first grandchild and therefore i held

5:34

the crown

5:36

in the

5:39

grandchild arena according to my

5:42

grandmother

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and

5:45

i have to say that my aunts

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i think they gave me a little bit of

5:50

grace in that i think

5:53

with me i would have a little bit of

5:54

trouble with my p with my mother

5:58

indulging one grandchild over another

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but i think they may have had a little

6:02

grace with me

6:04

because they did see

6:06

what i went through with my parents

6:10

being you know almost 16 there are some

6:12

things that they told me there were a

6:14

lot of things that they didn't tell me

6:18

we did some wonderful wonderful things

6:21

before she died and when she died

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it was the strangest thing

6:26

i was

6:28

i was in bed i was asleep and my mother

6:31

came into my room and woke me up

6:36

and

6:38

she said terry deena just died

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i said i know

6:44

and my mother just collapsed crying on

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me

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which was for me very uncomfortable and

6:50

very unusual because my mother my

6:52

parents did not touch me they did not

6:56

hug me and i can remember looking back

6:58

at

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christmas photos

7:03

with my mother and her sisters and their

7:04

families and we always get a picture

7:06

every

7:07

every christmas

7:09

and

7:10

in my aunt's families they're laying on

7:12

each other they're hugging each other

7:14

they're

7:14

you know being all lovey-dovey

7:18

but in the fan the pictures with my

7:20

family

7:21

we were about six inches apart

7:23

everyone's arms were crossed and no one

7:25

was touching

7:27

that i think was the first time i

7:29

realized there was a real legitimate

7:32

problem with my family

7:34

and i don't know how i got off on that

7:35

track talking i guess because i didn't

7:37

want to really

7:38

have to talk about the death of my

7:40

grandmother

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but my mother came in and she said terry

7:44

had her dina had died

7:47

and i knew

7:48

because i had just had a dream

7:51

if you could call it a dream or was it

7:53

not a dream did i actually travel there

7:55

did she beckon me to her

7:58

in her final moments

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i remember being in the bedroom that she

8:03

was in

8:04

and we were talking i had been out and

8:07

bought a dress that day for a school

8:09

dance

8:10

and there was a sandstorm which was very

8:12

unusual in dfw

8:14

but back on the farm it wasn't unusual

8:17

at all they were all the time

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and i remember telling her we talked for

8:22

a bit she told me how much she loved me

8:25

i was telling her you know she asked me

8:27

about my day i told her about the

8:30

sandstorm it was just like the

8:31

sandstorms back in big spring and it

8:34

hurt it would sting your legs when you

8:36

would walk in it would sting your face

8:38

it was horrible

8:40

and i don't know how how long i i

8:43

felt i was there seems like i was there

8:45

long enough to have a pretty good

8:47

conversation with her and then

8:50

at one point she told me she loved me

8:52

again and she said you need to go now

8:56

because sandy will be here in a minute

8:59

sandy was my aunt and my grandmother was

9:02

at that time staying with my aunt

9:07

while she was sick

9:09

and the next thing i knew my mother was

9:12

tapping me on the shoulder telling me

9:14

that she had died and my answer to her

9:16

was i i know

9:20

i was telling this to my therapist and

9:24

we

9:25

or he asked me a question he said terry

9:27

how long did it take you

9:29

to really come to terms with the death

9:31

of your grandmother you speak about her

9:33

a lot

9:36

you you let me know she was really your

9:38

only

9:39

trusted caregiver besides your your

9:42

other aunts

9:44

how long did it take you to process her

9:46

death

9:48

and i sat back because that was a

9:50

question

9:52

i've thought of before

9:54

i know for about five or six years i

9:57

didn't think about it it was actually

9:58

seven years after she died and went to

10:00

the cemetery and i just fell apart

10:03

in the cemetery

10:04

on her grave and i spent the entire day

10:07

there

10:09

but i would

10:12

i told him something that i hadn't

10:13

really thought of before and that was

10:17

that i pretended that she wasn't dead

10:20

here i am almost 16 years old and i'm

10:22

saying

10:24

to myself you know logically i knew my

10:26

grandmother was dead i was at the

10:28

funeral i saw the whole thing i was

10:29

there i knew it but in my heart of

10:32

hearts

10:35

i

10:36

would tell myself she was going to

10:38

another country to get treatment

10:41

she was going to get well and she was

10:43

going to come back for me she wasn't

10:45

going to leave me

10:47

in this situation that i was in she was

10:49

going to surprise us all she was going

10:51

to come back her hair was going to be

10:53

back it was raven black

10:56

she was gorgeous

10:59

and she was going to be healthy and

11:01

whole and everything would be just like

11:03

it was when she was there

11:06

or at the times when i was with her

11:09

and i he said really you

11:12

you had this fantasy it was like yeah it

11:14

was really you know i thought about it a

11:16

lot i thought about it it seems like

11:18

almost every day

11:20

you know is she gonna come back today is

11:22

she gonna be

11:23

here today i wonder what country she's

11:25

in today i wonder what treatment she's

11:27

trying today

11:28

so i was really

11:30

trying to convince myself i guess that

11:32

my grandmother had not died

11:36

and

11:37

then he asked me if i had

11:40

ever had

11:43

any other

11:45

um similar situation

11:48

and i thought for a second i looked at

11:51

him

11:52

virtually

11:54

and said yeah

11:56

when i was a little girl

11:59

i had a pretend family

12:02

and i knew they were a pretend family it

12:04

wasn't like i was telling myself my

12:07

grandmother was coming

12:08

home but i kind of created my own family

12:12

where i was safe i had even a nanny

12:16

and her main job

12:19

was to make sure that no one

12:22

hurt me my mom and dad in that fantasy

12:25

world had hired her

12:28

basically for my protection and you know

12:31

when i look back at it now i almost

12:33

wonder if

12:35

it was my grandmother that i had in that

12:37

role

12:39

but i did i had this pretend

12:43

fantasy family

12:45

it was perfect i would do things with my

12:47

mom we would go places we would have

12:50

fun she would cook which she didn't cook

12:54

and she was teaching me these things

12:58

and my dad was always really my real dad

13:01

but he was home

13:03

he was always home he wasn't flying he

13:06

wasn't with other clients he was home

13:09

like the rest of the dads were

13:11

but i had a different mom and i had this

13:14

nanny and so we sort of talked through

13:16

that and that brought up this huge rush

13:19

of emotion

13:20

in just how abandoned i felt as a child

13:26

you know my parents made sure i had

13:28

everything i needed

13:30

and i know when i was little

13:33

and my dad was going to school and he

13:35

was doing these things my mother stayed

13:37

home with us

13:38

i know that my grandmother did pay for a

13:41

lot of things she paid for my dance

13:43

lesson she paid for my christmas present

13:45

she bought me clothes

13:47

she paid for a lot of things and

13:50

as my dad's career took off

13:54

they they did make sure that we had the

13:56

necessities that we needed but nothing

13:59

else

14:02

at least my mom my dad was gone mom came

14:05

home she'd go to bed she would close the

14:07

door she would lock us out

14:09

but in my pretend family that didn't

14:12

happen and you know

14:14

at the time that my mother went back to

14:15

work i was probably 12 years old maybe

14:19

13 years old

14:21

heck i could have been older than that

14:23

but i still had this pretend family

14:25

where i was protected and i would

14:28

retreat into that family

14:32

i wouldn't be hurt

14:34

i wouldn't be trying to get my mother's

14:35

attention that i was really there

14:38

we wouldn't get into fist fights

14:41

i mean my mother and i and i had some

14:43

very physical altercations when i was

14:47

young

14:48

and

14:50

i really don't know why i know

14:53

a lot of them i

14:57

had said something

14:59

about wanting to be with my aunt or

15:02

wanting to be with my grandmother or

15:04

when i was going to see them and i think

15:06

that set her off i think it provoked her

15:10

and

15:12

now looking back on it you know at 60 or

15:15

60 years old and seeing the trauma that

15:17

my mother had gone through

15:20

not having her mother there and then her

15:23

daughter is crying out for her sister

15:26

and her mother and not her

15:28

i think that

15:30

really

15:32

put more of a divide in there

15:35

and i take blame for that and i really

15:37

shouldn't

15:38

because i was young and those were the

15:40

only people that had protected me and if

15:43

i cried out for them

15:46

and was beaten like i was

15:49

or i wouldn't be spoken to

15:52

or i would have to stay in my room for

15:54

however many weeks it was

15:57

you know the only safe place to be was

15:59

in a fantasy world

16:02

and i think that i kept that fantasy

16:04

world up for quite some time

16:07

you know i know

16:08

until my

16:10

into my adulthood

16:12

on the outside i could be somebody

16:14

completely different

16:16

i was

16:16

i appeared confident and self-assured

16:20

but i wasn't i was scared i was scared i

16:23

was gonna lose something i was afraid

16:26

that i was gonna die in a car accident

16:32

i was afraid i had all of these fears

16:37

within me

16:38

but i was putting on this brave face

16:41

this different face

16:44

so no one could see how horrible i was

16:47

that my mother didn't love me the way

16:50

she loved my brothers

16:52

and

16:54

that i wasn't

16:55

so horrible that my dad chose a

16:57

profession

16:59

that would take him away from me all the

17:01

time

17:03

and i know that's not what happened i

17:05

know that's not why my dad decided to

17:07

become a pilot

17:09

he loved flying

17:13

but flying was really the other woman in

17:16

his life or was the woman in his life

17:20

flying took him away from my mother took

17:22

him away from us and my dad and i had

17:25

always been very close

17:30

as close as we could be i guess

17:33

it's really weird i just said that

17:35

and then i realized but wait a minute

17:37

terry your dad never hugged you your dad

17:39

never told you he loved you

17:42

but he showed me in ways he bought me

17:44

toys he made toys for us

17:48

he did things that he would interact

17:51

with us my mother would never

17:53

never do that

17:56

so

17:56

that's the way i knew my dad loved me

18:00

and what's really weird is i don't ever

18:02

really remember being hit by by my dad i

18:04

do by my mother and i know my brothers

18:07

were hit by my father because i

18:09

witnessed it and it scared me to death

18:12

to think that that could come toward me

18:15

and i always tried to be really good

18:17

when my dad was home because i didn't

18:20

want what i saw my brothers

18:22

get

18:25

but at the same time my gosh being so

18:28

lost

18:29

and

18:31

not realizing a lot of this until i was

18:34

about 58 years old is when i felt safe

18:36

enough to start letting this come out

18:40

that says a lot

18:41

that says how much damage and how much

18:44

fear was there

18:47

and to think of everything that i've

18:49

lost

18:51

because i imploded

18:55

in 2008 when my dad died or he died in

18:58

2007 my mother in 2006 2008 i fell apart

19:03

and i think i've told you that's because

19:04

i thought it was safe to do so then

19:08

and

19:10

i really

19:13

went to rock bottom

19:16

i had to rebuild every part of myself

19:20

and i don't think it was until the last

19:22

two years

19:24

you know 2020 2019 2020 that i really

19:28

made a lot of

19:32

connections

19:34

and realized

19:36

i wasn't the bad kid

19:38

my aunts were telling me i was a

19:40

delightful child my grandmother loved me

19:44

my dad started talking to me a whole lot

19:46

more after he died

19:49

about how important it was to let your

19:51

kids know they you loved them

19:54

and he you know he still he was still

19:56

very uncomfortable with with anything

19:58

like that he was

19:59

basically left in a playpen

20:02

um

20:03

all day long while his mother worked and

20:05

the neighbor would come up and feed and

20:07

change him

20:09

so my dad

20:11

had

20:14

my parents had traumas of their own to

20:15

deal with

20:20

and last friday talking to my i think

20:23

texas just came out of my mouth when i

20:24

said friday

20:26

talking to my therapist it

20:29

it's made for a really long really hard

20:31

weekend i've slept most of it i went to

20:34

a couple of

20:38

i went to see friends perform

20:40

they're jazz musicians

20:42

i went to you know some

20:44

a couple of things this weekend and it

20:47

helped but it it it really um

20:52

it distracted me

20:53

and it reminds me how i would distract

20:55

myself before i knew what was going on

20:59

before i knew i had cptsd before i knew

21:02

that there was really

21:04

an emotional problem that i needed to

21:06

work on

21:08

and i would escape

21:10

and i feel that's what's happening right

21:12

now

21:14

and i

21:15

i really did a lot of research this week

21:17

and i was okay i was okay during the

21:20

doing the research i was okay putting

21:22

everything together

21:24

but

21:28

friday

21:29

with therapy

21:33

it put everything in a new light a new

21:35

picture for me

21:37

it brought the past alive it brought it

21:40

back full force

21:43

and i'm i mean

21:45

i'm struggling right now

21:48

vander

21:50

um

21:51

where is that let me find it here

21:54

bessel vander kulk

21:57

many of you if you've if you read a lot

21:59

on

22:00

ptsd trauma neglect

22:04

abuse such things such as that you'll

22:06

you'll know that name vessel vanderkult

22:09

he said

22:10

people talk about trauma as an event

22:12

that happened a long time ago

22:16

but what trauma is

22:18

is the imprints that event has left on

22:22

your mind and in your sensations

22:26

the discomfort

22:28

you feel and the agitation you feel and

22:31

the rage and the helplessness you feel

22:35

right now

22:37

that's where i am right now i'm not in

22:40

the in in the

22:42

in the present i'm fine

22:45

not really

22:47

i'm not talking about you know present

22:49

day

22:49

day problems

22:51

it really resurrected

22:55

flashbacks for me

22:58

of when i was a child and some of the

23:00

things that had went on had gone on

23:03

and so i'm having a difficult time so

23:05

i'm going to ask you to forgive me but i

23:07

am going to cut this short because

23:10

i need to focus on me right now

23:13

for the next couple of days at least and

23:16

hopefully have a

23:18

full-length podcast episode up

23:21

next tuesday

23:23

but i need to be aware

23:25

as you do of what your triggers are

23:28

what you need to do to bring them down

23:32

and sometimes when we push through we

23:33

push through so far

23:36

that we fall

23:38

face first because there's something

23:40

emotionally we need to deal with

23:42

at that time at that moment

23:46

and i know for me it comes when i start

23:48

sleeping as much as i've been sleeping

23:51

so i need to do some soul searching i

23:53

need to figure this out i need to sort

23:56

out this fantasy family and the fantasy

23:59

that my grandmother had never died you

24:01

know those are things that i held and i

24:04

think i put them in a box and put them

24:06

away but they're really quite disturbing

24:09

right now and i don't think it's

24:11

i really don't feel it's like in

24:13

anyone's best interest for me to go on

24:17

and do

24:19

more of an episode

24:22

on trauma on ptsd on cptsd at the moment

24:27

because right now i feel like a broken

24:29

jar

24:31

and i know that it has been put together

24:35

but what bessel vanderkolk said about

24:39

the

24:39

imprint

24:41

it's still there

24:45

i need to take that seriously because i

24:48

need you guys to take it seriously

24:51

and i need to be

24:54

in this position

24:56

if i'm going to be doing a podcast on

24:59

mental health

25:00

overcoming

25:01

cptsd and trauma

25:04

and i find myself in a position where i

25:06

need help i need to be able to be

25:10

real with you and say

25:12

hey i'm sorry this has to be a short

25:15

kind of

25:17

on the fly

25:18

episode because i need to recognize

25:23

what my inner child is crying out for

25:26

and that's weird trying to re-parent

25:28

your inner child the first time i did

25:30

that it was like way weird

25:33

and i was in the i was in a flashback

25:37

and

25:38

i realized i was in a flashback and i

25:40

realized what i was feeling at that time

25:42

no was nowhere near

25:45

what the moment called for

25:47

i realized i was feeling what i was

25:49

feeling when i was a little kid in the

25:51

same thing it happened to me

25:56

and so what i did was

25:59

i'm talking to myself i'm talking to

26:00

like little terry there saying it's okay

26:04

you're safe with me

26:05

i'm gonna take care of you

26:07

i'm not not gonna let anything happen to

26:09

you

26:10

you are safe

26:12

i mean she was just three four five six

26:14

years old i'm 60. i think i can

26:17

take care and protect

26:19

a little child especially if that little

26:22

child dwells within me

26:25

so i need to heed that calling and i

26:27

need to do that i hope you'll forgive me

26:30

for that

26:31

hopefully next week we'll be back with a

26:36

revelatory

26:38

episode of

26:41

grand proportions

26:43

and that everyone will be able to learn

26:45

something

26:47

but

26:48

look at me and look at yourself

26:50

if you're feeling your triggers

26:53

you're walking through your triggers and

26:54

you know what your triggers are listen

26:57

to them

26:58

and take care of yourself

27:00

so that's what i'm going to do

27:02

i'm going to say bye for now

27:04

and i will see you

27:06

next week

27:12

thank you for listening to digging

27:14

through dominoes

27:15

make sure you subscribe so you don't

27:17

miss any future episodes in the meantime

27:20

connect with terry on facebook and

27:22

instagram at digging through dominoes on

27:25

twitter at digging dominoes and online

27:29

at digging through dominos.com

27:32

until next time thank you for listening

27:36

[Music]