Death by Review

If Raisin Bran made a horror film... I've been more scared in line at the DMV... An unripened pear has given me more chills... Something something not a horror movie.

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Iowa is for lovers... or whatever. </3

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Honestly, we are in such desperate need for a vacation, that this cabin doesn't seem that bad. 

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*Awful, de-tuned clarinet folk music intensifies*

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There's great ghost movies out there, like Grave Encounters, Paranormal Activity or Skinamarink... Then there's The Conjuring. James Wan movies would be so much better if they didn't suck so hard.

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The only good nazi is an un-alived nazi. 

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Honestly, this could have just been a Goosebumps episode...

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Valentine's Day is for kissing, and hugging and chocolate and murder... And sexual tension between a bunch of men. They leave that part out. 

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Oh Mr. Alien, please don't come sneak into my room and watch me while I sleep. Oh it would be just so scary if you gave me a little kiss on the lips and touched my butt with your spindly finger. Oh, …

Do you like heart-felt movies that make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside? Well this one won't do that. I mean, it'll make you feel something inside. Maybe icky... yeah, definitely icky.

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No I promise, you're not on drugs... well maybe you are, but that's not the point. Strap in for MANDY, the longest Doom Metal video we've ever watched.

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The art of stop-motion seems to be waaaaaay too hard to find even remotely enjoyable. It's like if someone decided to make waiting in line a full time job. 

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Necromancy always leads to cults. Talking to the dead? Cult. Try to resurrect a corpse? Cult. Open a portal to an ethereal plane full of body-harvesting parasites that sprouts wiggly worms from your …

Let this be a valuable lesson to not get your kids a pet for Christmas. They will fuck it up and destroy the entire town in the process. 

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"On this weeks episode of Death by Review, murder comes home for the holidays!! A sorority girl narrowly escapes the SLASHING and THRASHING of a mad man. Or does she?"

...Or at least that's what I wo…

Imagine Terminator if it were based on Christmas. Now imagine it being made with a much smaller budget. Now imagine it with an ever more forgettable cast. This is what you'd get. Harbor Freight "Sara…

How the hell do you trap the devil?? It's not like they're a racoon, or Jess, looking for snacks, and just happen to lure them into a cage. Like, "Oh, come here little devil. I've got little snackies…

You know, the tagline of this film is "There will be know leftovers!" And that just breaks my heart. The leftovers are the best part. 

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Who the hell is Devon Sawa?...

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ThanksKilling has it all! It's got Turkey! It's got boobies! It's got dad farts!! So sit back, relax and be horrified by how awful this film is. Gobble gobble motherf%#@er!! 

DISCLAIMER!: DO NOT WATCH…