Why Do I Always Start Fights? A 20s Guide to Conflict Styles

Let’s be honest: conflict in your 20s can feel like emotional quicksand. In this episode, Amelia and Lilly are digging into what really happens when things get tense in romantic relationships—and why your instinct to shut down, fix everything immediately, or launch into defense mode actually makes a lot of sense (but might not be helping).

Amelia and Lilly introduce a concept called Conflict Languages—think love languages, but for when you’re spiraling mid-disagreement. From ghosting and freezing to blaming and peacemaking at warp speed, we explore how our go-to conflict styles are shaped by old wounds, family dynamics, and that fun blend of anxiety + people-pleasing.

“We’re not here to tell you how to fight “right,” but we are here to help you make sense of what’s happening under the surface—and how to stay connected (to yourself and your partner) when things get hard.”

Therapy-Informed Takeaways:

• Conflict feels terrifying when you’ve never seen it modeled in a healthy way.
• Your conflict style—avoid, fix, freeze, blame—isn’t random. It’s rooted in protection.
• Avoidance can look like ghosting, shutting down, or pretending it’s fine (it’s not).
• Fix-it-fast mode usually shows up when anxiety hijacks the conversation.
• Blame + deflect? That’s your nervous system trying to stay in control.
• The freeze response often leads to silent resentment and unmet needs.
• Knowing your conflict language helps you communicate before things escalate.
• Self-awareness turns conflict from a power struggle into a chance to grow.
• Healthy conflict isn’t the absence of tension—it’s the presence of repair.

Related Episodes:

• Dating in Your 20s Series: Putting Yourself Out There
• Dating in Your 20s Series: Self-Growth Through Dating Reflection

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Connect:

Lilly Wehman: Millennium | LinkedIn
Amelia Abernathy: Millennium | Linkedin

This podcast is powered by Millennium Counseling Center in Chicago, IL. To learn more visit: millenniumhope.com