Why You Keep Chasing (or Shutting Down): The Real Cause of the Pursue–Withdraw Cycle

🎙️ Episode Summary

You’re trying to connect—they’re shutting down. Or maybe it’s the other way around. Either way, you end up in the same exhausting loop: one of you pursues, the other withdraws, and no one feels safe.

This episode breaks down the pursue–withdraw cycle in a way that finally makes sense. We’ll look at what’s actually happening in your nervous system when things spiral, why neither of you is “the problem,” and how to name the pattern before it takes over. If you’ve ever felt like you’re either chasing your partner or hiding from them, this one’s for you.

🧠 What We’ll Cover:

• Why protest behaviors (like texting again, pushing to talk) are actually cries for connection
• How nervous system survival responses fuel the entire cycle—on both sides
• What your body thinks it’s protecting you from (and why that matters)
• A simple way to name the pattern and interrupt the spiral before it takes over
• Why you're not too needy—or too distant—you’re just wired for protection

✨ Key Insight:

You're not overreacting—you’re protecting.

So is your partner.

But protection without awareness becomes disconnection.

🛠 Practical Takeaway:

Next time you feel the pattern kick in, try this:

“I think we’re doing that thing again.”

That one sentence can stop a 3-hour spiral before it starts.

💬 Listener Reflection:

What does your body do when closeness feels risky?

Get curious about that moment—not to judge it, but to shift it.

🔗 Related Links:

• 💡 Read the blog version of this episode
• ✉️ Join my Love & Life newsletter for weekly insights like this
• 🧠 Ready to break your cycle? Check out Break the Cycle, a free 7 day email course. Available at www.drrachelorleck.com