Reluctant Author - Joann Kedder

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Joann and I talk about how she kept pushing away her dream of being an author, and how it kept coming back until she faced her destiny. 

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If you are depressed or contemplating suicide please reach out to 
National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 800-273-8255

 I wrote my first novel at twelve, but always convinced myself I wasn't good enough, smart enough, etc. I've had lack of a "core" or sense of self my entire life. Part of that confusion stems from being an adoptee who didn't fit in with my family or the small town where I grew up. Consequently, I went through several bouts of depression, both large and small.

Mid-life I took a leap and obtained my master's degree in creative writing, not as a career path but to prove I could do it. A publisher was interested in my thesis novella, "The Something That Happened in Pepperville," and I still didn't feel comfortable embracing this identity. Authors were smart and successful people and that wasn't me.

The day after my first book signing, my husband and I moved 2,000 miles across the country to begin our next adventure.

Every opportunity I thought I had waiting for me fell through. In addition to that lack of self, I now had no job, no friends, and no outlet. On top of that, a foot injury left me housebound for over a year. I went through counseling with a person who used ME as her therapist and spent hours sitting in the dark closet trying to feel connected to something. I convinced myself things would get better if I just sat there long enough.

Two years later, my husband had a massive heart attack while hiking in the woods. His heart stopped six times, and as a result, he has permanent brain damage. While I was sitting in his room, listening to the machines pump and whir, I had a revelation: I've been pushing the notion that I'm a writer out of my head all of my life, waiting for the perfect moment. When would that be, exactly? It certainly wasn't happening inside the closet. Looking at my husband, I realized we have no guarantees and if that's who I truly was, the time to write was now.

I spent his recovery writing my first novel, telling myself it was a one-and-done. The part of me I'd shoved away for so many years, spoke up and said, "I'm not going away now. This is who you are. Embrace it."

Currently, I've published eight novels (two are award-winning novels) and have several more planned.

Eventually, I was able to find a therapist and medication that kept me out of the dark space. Giving in to that inner voice and following the path laid out, I've finally found peace and my identity: I am an author.

Website: http://www.joannkeder.com

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Video of the interview is available here: https://youtu.be/5Na3GzKOrKM

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