The Perfect Reflection: Perfectionism Manifesting as my Eating Disorder

At what point does "self-improvement" become self-destruction? 

This podcast episode is a recording of a personal essay I wrote in my freshman year of high school to reflect on my struggle with perfectionism, anxiety, and eating disorder. In class, we were given the prompt "a moment of change". Below is the short reflection I wrote on how my essay reflects (or doesn't reflect) a moment of change.

"This essay covers the 'Moment of Change' prompt but not without a few modifications. Instead of a single moment of change, this essay explores multiple moments of challenge and how I faced them with a similar approach, perfection being the only outcome. This essay shows the shift between my focus on my appearance, my focus on the gym, and my focus on my academic achievements. When I feel lacking in one area, I try to use the others to support me, but when I feel lacking in all, then I fall. There is no significant change, there is no closure at the end of this essay because I have never found my own." - Moorea (2022)

This essay discusses my eating disorder and details toxic body image and self talk. If listening to this essay does not support your current relationship with food, your body, or your self image, please do not listen to the podcast. You are strong and brave for knowing your boundaries and sticking to them. Please find another episode or resource that will be more supportive of where you are in your journey right now.

Since this essay was written in 2022, I have experienced depression and a relapse in my eating disorder. While this essay does not tell the full story of my battle with perfectionism, anxiety, depression, and an eating disorder, it is an important piece of my self reflection - the thought patterns in the essay are still present in my life today.

This essay details my personal experience and by no means reflects the experiences of all people who struggle with perfectionism, anxiety, or an eating disorder. This is not written to promote the disordered thoughts present in the essay, but instead to allow myself and others to reflect on our experiences in a thoughtful, judgement-free way. Identifying the challenges we face is the first step towards working to overcome these obstacles.

When listening to this essay, please think critically about the content. Recognize that the thoughts surrounding food and body image are disordered and irrational - even though they can feel so real.

If you feel that this essay can support yourself or a loved one, you can also read it on the Balancing Act Website.

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Email Moorea: [email protected]

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