004 Negotiating Your Relationship with Your Partner

In this episode, Cindy discusses:

• Diplomacy in personal relationships.
• Skills required in diplomacy and how to utilize them.
• How active listening and openly voicing your needs are keys to communication.
• Quick tips to navigate the choppy waters of difficult conversations.

  Key Takeaways:

• You ARE FIT to be a great negotiator: Assertiveness, Rapport building, Empathy, Flexibility, Intuition, and Trustworthiness.
• You can take the high road to get even higher results.
• If you don’t ask for what you need, you won’t get your needs met!
• Make sure there is reciprocity in your relationship. You are a partnership, both parties must be involved.

 "Strong communication in the family room equals increased sexual satisfaction in the bedroom." —  Cindy Watson  

Click here to get  your free E-Book 5 Secret Weapons to More Effective Negotiations  CONNECT WITH CINDY:

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Full Transcript below:

Negotiating Your Relationship with Your Partner

People typically think of diplomacy as an important skill in international relations but don’t think to apply it to personal relationships. Yet consider Winston Churchill’s famous quip, “Diplomacy is the art of telling someone to go to hell in a way that they’ll ask for directions.” Imagine how useful that ability would be in certain relationships. The dating phase of my life comes to mind. The good news is that diplomacy isn’t an obscure unknowable secret designed only for Secretaries of State and their like. In fact, diplomacy involves many of the skills we’ve already explored in earlier episodes, including assertiveness, rapport-building, empathy, flexibility, intuition and trustworthiness. (Just remember our A.R.E F.I.T acronym.)

Once you start applying these skills in your relationship with your significant other, you’ll see profound improvement in your relationship. Imagine the shift in your relationship dynamic if, instead of being reactive or operating on pure emotion, you could take a beat, and tap into your intuition. Ask yourself, “what’s really driving this issue – for me and for my partner?” Ask yourself what their unstated needs are. Bring empathy to the table, putting yourself in their shoes before you wade in. Stay conscious of whether a particular approach will build or destroy trust and rapport. That does not mean you need to be a doormat. As always, ensure that there’s reciprocity. You need to get as good as you give. You can be assertive while still employing your natural feminine negotiation strengths, with intention, in your discussions, debates and yes, even your arguments. The beauty is that with the ARE FIT model of negotiation you’ll be more persuasive and have greater influence. You’ll have more power, not less. You can take the high road to get even higher results.

Strong communication is key as well. In fact, strong communication in the family room equals increased sexual satisfaction in the bedroom. So it’s no wonder couples’ counselors focus on communication skills between partners. Don’t fret if this hasn’t been a strong suit in your relationship to date. It’s never too late to improve those all-important communication skills.

Let’s start with a reminder that if you don’t ask for what you need, you likely won’t get your needs met. News flash: most people aren’t mind-readers. Don’t wait, hoping that your partner will magically intuit what you want and need. Don’t assume that if they really loved you, they’d know. Admit it, you’ve had those thoughts sometimes – that niggling resentment that your partner doesn’t just ‘know’. We all have. Exorcise that demon. Banish it from your thought patterns. Start practicing to ask for what you want. Say what you mean and mean what you say.

On the flip side, make sure you master the art of active listening. And while you’re at it, recognize that we all communicate in different ways. You may be a great verbal communicator. Your partner may not be – they may try to communicate in other ways. You need to be open to receive those messages, even if it sometimes seems like an alien life form has landed in your life with an unrecognizable language.

Speaking of language, also be mindful of the five languages of love (from the book of the same name). The concept is that we all have different ways that we like to give and receive love (our love language). The five languages are: (i) words of affirmation; (ii) acts of service; (iii) receiving/giving gifts; (iv) quality time; and (v) physical touch. When couples don’t speak the same language of love, it can cause miscommunication, tension and lack of connection. Take my situation for example. My husband is a words of affirmation and acts of service guy. In trying to show he loves me, his words of affirmation include telling me I look great when I look like hell on toast and bragging on everything I make – from Kraft Dinner to gourmet fare equally. When we were scrapping, he’d invariably do the dishes or laundry – his ‘acts of service’ demonstration of love. But I didn’t see it that way. For the longest time it drove me nuts. I hated that he told me I looked great when I didn’t because then it made all his compliments empty to me. Likewise, raves about gourmet felt insincere. Why bother? I didn’t know what I could trust. Besides, I wanted quality time and physical intimacy. And so the seeds of resentment sprouted – until we were able to recognize that we each had different languages of love and communicated to come to some understanding and compromises around that.

You need to determine your own language of love and your partners. Even if your partner’s language doesn’t match your needs, at least you’ll recognize their effort when you see it. That can mean more than you think. At least as a starting point. And if you’ve taken one of my programs you’ll know to ask for what you want. You’ll be able to talk about it with your partner, ask for what you need and make sure you know what they need. Imagine what a paradigm shift that can be.

If you’re looking for more practical advice, here’s some quick tips to help you navigate the choppy water of those difficult conversations that inevitably come up in a relationship.

1. Get comfortable. Especially, if it’s a difficult topic you’re going to tackle, make sure to get comfortable.

1. Remember your 5 W’s – who, what, where, when and why.

Consider the ‘where’. Is this a bedroom conversation, a dinner table conversation, or a ‘while we’re cuddled up watching T.V conversation? Don’t underestimate the impact of where the conversation happens.

Also, consider the ‘when’. While your partner is watching the final moments of a tense Superbowl is probably not a good time to broach your concern about lack of intimacy. If your partner is facing a crisis of confidence because they just got fired, consider whether it’s the best time to raise the fact that you want some alone time or girlfriend time in Italy.

Consider your ‘why’ and the ‘why’ of your partner. What’s really motivating you, beyond the stated issue? Why is this issue important to you? And what’s really behind your partner’s resistance?

If you haven’t heard my 5 W’s series, let me gift you my ebook on the subject. Just grab the link from the show notes.

1. Give your partner your full attention. This may seem obvious but we rarely do it. In our busy lives today, we don’t take the time we should to really connect meaningfully. Put down distractions – including your cell phone. Make eye contact. I’m not talking about staring them down. But show them you’re there. You’re engaged. And it also let’s them know you’re not afraid to face your partner.

1. Pay attention to your body language. Use it to create connection – especially if the topic is one that’s likely to push them away or create distance. Lean in towards them a bit.

1. Use ‘I’ statements, especially as an opener to the conversation. I don’t mean “I hate it when you …” No. You need to own your own feelings or reactions. “I feel this when this happens.” Using ‘I’ language shows that you accept responsibility for your own thoughts and behaviour. It avoids the blame game and minimizes the chance that your partner will get their back up.

1. Use questions effectively. Use open questions to elicit your partner’s perceptions, thoughts, and feelings (i.e. questions that don’t allow for a yes/no answer, but instead force your partner to offer more information). Use confirming questions to let them know you’re listening and really hearing them (i.e. “what I hear you saying is …”. Use hypothetical questions for problem solving (i.e “what if we were to …”).

1. Don’t interrupt. Again, that may seem obvious, but we often feel the urge to interrupt when we think we know what they’re going to say or when they seem obviously off-base. Resist the urge. Use active listening skills. Even if – especially if – you disagree with what they’re saying. Listen. Stay open. Remember the goal is to improve open, honest communication.

1. Treat the conversation as if there are three of you in the room – you, your partner, and the relationship. Recognize that sometimes what’s best for you, or your partner, may not be what’s best for the relationship. That doesn’t mean you sacrifice your needs for the relationship. But you need to be aware of it. Make informed decisions.

Practice these tips but always make sure there’s reciprocity in your relationship.

It doesn’t help if you’re taking the high road, and your partner refuses to grow with you. But also be prepared to teach them if necessary. Don’t expect them to just notice your change in approach and to emulate you. You may need to teach them how to change their communication approach.

Think about a conversation you need to have with your significant other. I invite you to try to implement these tips. Plan it. Go over the conversation in your mind and consider how you might apply each principle with forethought. Plan your opening. Consider your questions. Consider the where and when. It just may change your communication dynamic in profound and unexpected ways.

I hope you can see some value in applying some of these ideas. If so, make sure share it with friends who you think would benefit and enjoy it. Invite them to subscribe for the show.

Feel free to grab the script in our show notes if you want to review this content another way.

And as I mentioned, if you’re interested in more info on my 5 W’s technique (and trust me it can be a game-changer) then let me gift you my 5 Secret Weapons ebook. You can grab it through the link in our show notes or on our website at www.womenonpurpose.ca

That’s a wrap for this episode. Until next time, go forth and negotiate your best life on your terms, so you can stop missing out and start getting more of what you want and deserve … from the boardroom to the bedroom.